I am in a creative pickle.
Of late university has started again, everything is running again, and I don’t have ideas.
However instead of saying that I’ll instead pretend that I’ve spent the whole of this month off writing the best top quality story I could come up with, even though, while it is over 50,000 words, only 7,000 of them have been written this last month, and none of this has been proof read. This too probably! (HA WRONG – I like to talk to past me like this. Also I’ve only just started proof reading so I can’t even confirm that)
But that’s not to say that I’ve fallen back to my old ways, of posting absolute drivel without a care in the world… because even then, posts were still coming out.
No what I’m going through is far more server. A tidal wave of huge amounts of work, societies, random quirky obsessions and a social life I’m apparently supposed to maintain is pushing me ever further away from the keyboard.
Not that I’m complaining, it’s great to have stuff to do! But once it’s all over, I can’t help but sit down and go “who the fuck would want to read about my opinions on soul station? – a film about a guy chasing his daughter in a zombie apocalypse, only to later realize that he was her pimp, instead of her father”
“Who gives a shit about how ‘train to Busan’ finally made me understand what it felt like to have a daughterru?”
And anyway, the explanation for why I’ve been missing is, at this point, taking out more space in the post than the actual post itself. So I feel confident putting this one down:
“Who cares about my thoughts about writing really long chapters in stories?”
I know that the whole point is that you give blogging your own importance. You don’t care if nobody else cares, because you care.
However the simple fact that I’m going to get 99999 points on the Mario odyssey skipping rope challenge when I wake up tomorrow is bringing more happiness than writing this post, or even this epic sentence. A sentence that was only made possible due to reading 1984, animal farm, and my Uncle’s pre-released book and trying to emulate their sophisticated style. Even though I sort of know deep down, that the sentences, while they are good, only sound that way, due to the strength of the narrator. I read them as audio books… if you couldn’t tell. As well as that I’m probably placing comma’s like a madman!
So if blogging doesn’t bring me that much happiness (which is a fact I’m learning right now I disagree with, but just go with it so this post can sound cool and shit) then why bother?
I’m sick and tired of pretending I don’t care about my blog post views.
If a post I release gets even half the views than the average I’m pissed, I’m sometimes even pissed with the average! Even though it doesn’t matter! And believe me, I do agree that it doesn’t matter at all. But still, despite that, I can’t help but get annoyed that I KNOW at least 3 of my blog posts have exactly 1 view without even checking. Sometimes google and WordPress just buries them into a depth of hell not even I could reach, and I wrote the damn thing!
It’s an OCD thing I guess. I like to see numbers go up instead of down. I tend to believe that a vast amount of my views are misclicks anyway or people that clicked on the title, only to find that the content disappointed, and left quickly. So it really shouldn’t matter at all.
The worst thing is when you compare yourself to others. I wouldn’t be surprised if many anime bloggers relate to looking at Karandi’s blog and being like “I didn’t even know two thousand people watched anime in the first place! How is that massive audience going to her yet missing me entirely?” even though 1. You don’t interact with the community 2. You post once a month 3. You don’t watch nearly as much anime and 4. You’re not as good looking. So basically I can’t help but compare two things that are really, incomparable.
And anyway views are only fleeting, they will never be high enough. I know that, because even now, in the past month (where I only released one post) I reached a view count that could only be dreamed of when I first started.
But back to comparing yourself to others. I think at the end of the day it comes from a feeling that is only subconscious. A subconscious feeling that your passion is better, and more important than other people’s, even though it really isn’t.
It’s alright to say “my book attempts to take down the cult mindset” – which mine does by the way – but right now it’s unpublished, unreleased,might never be published, will be self-published if it is published, will not sell, will not be recommended, will not be read and therefore will not be remembered. And anyway, 1984 did it so much better.
So basically how on earth can anyone find their passion more important? Or think that it deserves more recognition than someone else’s equally burning passion? I don’t know anymore.
The truth is that blogging is all for the community, and community engagement! That’s why we blog!
But that and blogging don’t necessarily go hand in hand. And I hate to say it, but if you stop blogging, and stop reading blogs while you’re not blogging. It dies. It’s always fleeting – to state the obvious.
If I did blogging for the community I would probably not be blogging. Every time I release a post it feels like firing a gun into a void, hoping to get something back. Sometimes I do, often I don’t. It’s my fault, as I said, I don’t engage with the community; of course it’s my fault. Nobody has an obligation to read or comment on anything, and I wouldn’t want anyone to read my blog only out of obligation. Essentially I lack the patience and effort to have much of a community. Don’t get me wrong, I’m insanely lucky to have you guys who do comment, looking back now my comments are inconsistent from post to post, but I still treasure them.
While I do have more comments than posts, the majority do actually go uncommented, which doesn’t feel normal for some reason even though it probably is. My blog is unsustainable if I do it for a community.
And I’m not one to talk, I’m a bastard when it comes to this subject. If I had to give £1,000 for every comment I received and took £1,000 for every comment I gave I’d at least double my university debt, but most likely quadruple it, and I’m not counting the comments I’ve made on my own blog!
It’s very hypocritical, I know. But once again, I know it’s all my fault.
If I were to be brutally, and crushingly honest: Most of the stuff in my feed doesn’t interest me, it’s nothing personal, I just haven’t seen the same anime you have and I don’t care about the same anime you do. The same is true about me when I rant about Kaiji, Berserk, Evangelion or Shiki all the time.
I’m sorry, I just can’t engage with that. And I can’t absentmindedly read it and only leave a like. Because at that point, leaving a like would be lying. No offence, leaving a dislike would be lying as well to be honest.
It is sad to me that my lack of knowledge about anime drives me away from blogging more, where I would actually learn the most. And I hate that this has driven me away from bloggers and people that I really love a lot.
So why blog? I don’t know. All I can say is that this took my 3 hours, and it was fairly pleasant… until I looked at the clock.
I guess you could say I’m in a create pickle… and I’m a bastard